Hopefully, you enjoy our first attempt at satire! 🙂
In a shocking turn of events, world famous televangelist, “pastor”, and author Paula White has not been heard from since she gave the closing benediction at the Republican National Convention on Monday, July 18. According to Gary Braun of the Daily Times, White met with Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump after the event in order to lead him to Christ “for real this time.”
According to Braun, a wild-eyed White confronted Trump in the bowels of the Quicken Loans Arena and exclaimed, “I’m giving the closing benediction, and by the end of it, you’ll be a Christian!” She continued, “Everyone knows it was just a publicity stunt on my part when I leaked the report that I led you to Christ. This time, it will be for real.” Braun said she attempted to convert Trump right then and there but apparently became stumped while leading him in a “sinner’s prayer.”
As media members rushed to gather around the two, she began, “Lord Jesus, thank you for making me so awesome. I pray that you make me even more awesome and make me a champion as I fulfill my destiny in becoming the next president of the United States.” Braun said she suddenly began fumbling for words. “I ask you, Father, to forgive me…for..uh…not…being the champion that I could be…and for…uh…not fulfilling my destiny sooner.” Reports from Braun and other correspondents in the vicinity said that both White and Trump appeared awkward and uncomfortable. White abruptly ran away, screaming, “Stay tuned for the benediction!”
A bewildered Trump reportedly asked his aide, “What was that? Was she even on the list?”
“Whatever, just go with it,” the aide responded.
Braun obtained an impromptu interview with an onlooker who wished to speak to the media but wished to remain anonymous. “Nowhere in the Bible does this resemble the prayer of a penitent sinner repenting of his rebellion against the holy creator God of the universe. No true Christian will accept this as a genuine conversion.”
At the time of writing, neither Braun nor others who witnessed the scene was aware of Mrs. White’s current whereabouts. “She’s been lost the entire time,” Braun stated.